My father is gone.

It's just after the bewitching hour on Sunday morning. I do this every morning...wake up to use the bathroom and think about stuff. It's all the stuff, either good or bad, that takes my sleep quite often.

I wrote that I would make the trip back to Cleveland yet again...to say goodby to my father. I've been rethinking the plan. I was going to try to kill myself to get there again. Sam and I have been financially strapped since summer months; due to all the dental work Sam's had to have done. My old car also bled us for more money throughout the same time period.

I don't want to see my father dying. And, I don't want to struggle to be there for it. I've already given more consideration to him, and to his wife, than either of them have ever given me. I know I've been here before...at the place where I've told you I was firm on stuff regarding my father...so hush up; your thoughts are loud in my ear. Not really. The truth of the matter is, I have been roller coastering between pity and anger for the man for a long time. Now I pity him for the way he is dying; but, it's a strange thing I feel...it's not a death he doesn't deserve. I cry. Then I feel tough again. I cry more. Tough again more.

I saw my father in September, and I want to remember that. I want to remember him when he was well. I cannot work myself silly to get to a man, who never worked to get to me. Yes, I have feelings. I just choose to feel them here in a comfortable and safe environment...away from the potential of daggers flying in my direction while his wife's emotions are out of sorts. I never felt "home" with my father...NEVER.

I told him not long ago, that I wondered about the relationship we could have had all those years; the one that was doomed from the beginning. He whispered to me then that he believes we have a pretty good relationship now. He can believe whatever he wants to believe; whatever he wants...

I am working on saying goodby to my father now. I will call him. I will be myself with him. I will tell him goodby.

And that will be the end of whatever my father was to me, and I to him.

 

The coolest thing about being a woman...or a human being, is that we have the right to change our minds about important issues. I'm taking back my dignity regarding some things. Morality to me, is all about the truth...and that is what I want in my life.

 

If there ever was a miracle, my Christmas cactus is one. I've had the plant for almost 4 years, and she's never failed to bloom around Thanksgiving, and then again at Christmas.

I'll try to add a photo later....

Listening to my cantata music right now...showtime is Sunday evening.

I was just given the very best Christmas gift I could have ever asked for.

I know life is going to get better at some point. I know that after sorrow, some form of joy always comes again.

I know these things because I have lived. Life has proven to me time and again that sorrow and joy are somehow almost synonymous.

I've learned that my mistakes can make me stronger, if I look at them wisely. I've learned that I cannot judge what's in another person's heart. I am learning to not be defensive; or as defensive as I have been. Trust is still an issue with me...but I'll get there.

I know that I am good. I know that I am bad. I know that it's okay.

The only person I have to prove anything at all to is myself. The only expectations I need to live up to are the ones I set for myself.

I cannot please my family or friends....that wouldn't be true love. I thank you for the gift you gave today. You know who you are...

 

My father is dying from lung cancer, which has spread into his throat as well. My emotions are mixed...

I feel terrible grief for my step-mother; who is carrying this load. My father was married three other times before his present marriage. This woman did a great deal to help my father get his life more in order. She is suffering now...

I am going to make a trip to Cleveland yet again, to say my final goodbyes to the man who helped in my creation. I'm not sure how it will be for me.

I want my father to look into my eyes and tell me that he has made some kind of peace concerning the life he lived, and the hurtful things he did to so many people...his family mostly. He was always the kind of man you would love to talk with if you met him on the street or in a store, and didn't know him. My father was full of character and charm. Yep, if you didn't know the way he had treated those he was supposed to have loved most, you would actually enjoy, and perhaps even befriend the man.

I have always missed what it would be like to have my father; so his death won't be much different, except for the fact that I won't hear him anymore.

It's a strange and painful experience for me right now.

Baked applesauce cakes today.

Will make lots of homemade chex mix tomorrow.

Suffering with vertigo.

Been practicing a few weeks... songs for a Christmas cantata I am singing in this year.

My house looks like the wrath of some god who hates me.

Foods purchased for Christmas Eve dinner...

Mom still in rehabilitation center taking care of her broken leg.

Biological father still dying with stage four lung cancer...even though his most immediate family plan for him to live on forever, I believe.

Baby cousin who lived with me a few months is acting an ass...but then, she is 19 and has a baby of her own...pfft!

Must send Victoria's Christmas card by mid-week

Starting to really miss blogging here.

I have a headache.

Arthritis is a beast and affecting my body all over.

Been trying to see "Blind Side" for two weeks now...perhaps tomorrow afternoon?

Depressed, but thankful.

Wish I was on a cruise ship....;

...or, at least soaking in a hot bath.

Goodnight All...if you're still stopping by the pointe. And, even if you're not...

 

Life is all to hell in these parts, but I'm doing Christmas anyway. And, the whole time, I'm thinking, "HUMBUG".... smiling, nodding, and moving forward.

In my last post I spoke to you of my father's illness recently discovered. He has stage four lung cancer...

Last Monday my mother took a hard fall in her home, and she broke her right leg in two places. These are severe breaks and she required a permanent metal rod in her leg from her kneecap to her ankle.

We've endured a week from hell...lots of running back and forth; transporting my mother to one facility for surgery, then home. Then in an emergency situation on Friday night after I brought her home too soon to be released from the hospital, she ended up back at our local hospital.

Today she was moved into a rehabilitation facility for a couple of weeks.

Ho, Ho, Ho......