It doesn't really matter to me who reads this and thinks I'm throwing a pity party, because your thoughts may be ten percent correct if that is what you begin to think as you read here. However the other ninety percent of what compels me to write this post, is the result of a series of events that have actually happened in my life over time, through losses I have experienced. Every now and then, something will trigger in me a response that causes me to lose sight of the fact that we are not necessarily on this planet at this place in this time to be comfortable, or happy, or even considered.

I have served others well. I know this. It is sufficient for me to know what I have done for whom, and for what reasons. If we do anything in this life for others that is really FOR others, and not to boost our own egos or draw attention to ourselves, then it is truely enough to just know.

I possess a great deal of empathy; which is why I'm pleased with the new job I have taken on. But every now and then, I feel lost. I feel that I'm here for others, and now and then I need a boost from others. Something that says to me, "I am here for you and I care very much" As I write this, I'm in that lost place, searching for even one with whom I can connect, and with whom I know has a genuine interest in the give and take that should be part of any relationship; and not because of something either party can do for the other.

Do I feel used? Sometimes, but not usually. We are only as used by someone as we allow ourselves to be. It may sound that way right now, that I am feeling used. In all honesty, I am not. I am, however feeling overwhelmed with a task facing me for next week, regarding a friend from back home who needs a break and wants to come for a visit. I will have a lot of work to do in preparation for her visit; as well as a long workday at my new job, on one of the days she is here. When my friends face difficulties, I try to be here for them when they call on me. Don't get me wrong, I do not always say I'm here, no matter what. I'm here when I can be, and when it is most necessary. Sometimes I offer support on my own without them asking. My very best and dearest friends who consider my needs equally with their own, do not live close to me anymore; and so often times when I feel I must reach out to someone who would be there for me, I look around and all I see close by are those who seem to be in great need of one support or another for themselves. I suppose the problem is mine, that I don't turn to those folks. It's just that I feel they have too much on their own plates. I'm so used to taking care of myself emotionally, that I'm not sure I always know how to ask someone if they can make some time for me.

Today something happened that ended a concern I'd had for the past couple days. This is entirely different from the other things I've written about here just now; but has given me more to think about all the same. Gifts given should always be from the heart; because the money, time, and attention invested in the giving are too much trouble for the giver, if the giving is for any reason not genuine. So whenever I give, I try to make certain I feel at peace with my reasons for giving.

Recently, I paid to have a package sent to a couple. I thought of them when I sampled the gourmet popcorn of Dale & Thomas for myself. Until today, I was left to wonder if the couple received the package; if they enjoyed the popcorn....it is not about my wanting a "thank you". I actually needed to know if the package I was billed for had not arrived. I had to call the popcorn people today because I was charged for the shipment of goods. I was informed that my package was received by the recipients and then refused. The couple didn't have the decency or the courage themselves to just drop me an email saying, "no thanks, and go to hell." Heh- I am going to be reimbursed for the package, and because I still had to pay for the shipping charges, the great folks from Dale & Thomas are sending me some popcorn at no extra charge in the next couple of days. All is not lost...ever! Do things like this hurt? Well, we are all human and of course any of us would feel such a sting. I like to think that Karma takes care of people who choose to act like assholes. Honestly, the sting I felt from this is my own fault because I shouldn't have put myself in a position of vulnerability with this couple in the first place. I should have realized that history often repeats itself in regard to some people.

I had the same package shipped out to a young woman whom I baby sat many years ago. I met her when she was the tender age of 4. The young woman emailed me and expressed such joy about having received the package of treats. I knew she really enjoyed the gift I sent. It was enough for me to simply know my packages had arrived where they were intended to go...the fact that a receiver enjoyed the popcorn was a plus for me; and her!

The difference in the 'no response' and the 'joyful response' to my giving, has everything to do with the hearts of those who received. What I did on my end was finished. My reasons for giving were quite simple...and, nothing is wrong in the lives of the couple who didn't respond, that would have kept them from letting me know they received their package. I have decided in this, they have simply made up their minds about me, and closed their hearts to a relationship that one of the two of them initiated again with me over a year ago. But, that's a whole 'nother story that will never be written here. Pfft.

I have learned some things in my 47 years.

People who really appreciate and respect you, are the only people who matter regarding your personal affairs. There will always be those who think what they will, regardless of the truth; and act as they choose, no matter what spirit of peace comes their way. There are those who refuse to be affected by kindness, because of their own selfish standards. And oddly, they are often the same people who want others to think they are concerned about the lost lives in war, the unjust treatment of others, and so on...when in reality, they care only about themselves in their very small world. 

There will always be people who love you and those who do not.

There will always be people whom you love and those whom you do not love.

There is a decent and right way to deal with those people whom you don't particulary care for, just as there is a decent way for people to deal with you.

There are numerous not so decent ways to deal with people. I try not to choose the not so decent ways to deal with people, because I know whatever I do or whatever way I act comes back to me. BUT, I am only human, and I fail to always live by the golden rule; a rule that we all struggle with because we are all human.

There are some who will benefit from our help and from whose help we will benefit.

There are people who think they have arrived; and those who believe they never will.

There are some who couldn't care less; and others who care too much.

There are others whom, for whatever reason, will attempt to find their paths through those of us who offer ourselves up daily in an effort to serve. They will try our souls indefinitely if they seek to live entirely through us, until we come to realize we are not helping the needy by enabling them to remain needy. If we are worth our weight in service to others, we will finally come to a stopping place with these folks; for their own good. In 2007, I released myself from a few people in my life who were never going to think for themselves if I hadn't stopped them and freed myself. I felt peace in what I did for them, and me. I choose to continue taking care of myself and helping others in this way from here on.

As for the acting assholes of the world who don't give a damn about generosity of spirit, or how their behavior affects others? They only serve to bring heartache to most people; over and over again. This lesson I have learned the hard way.

Regarding my friend who just wants to come for a visit because she needs a little break, I understand. Still, I am so lonely for that one soul who feels with me equally, just every now and then...